Being Weak: Postpartum Depression

I love my husband. I love my children. I love being a mother. I love drinking too much coffee and singing way too loud. I love funny movies and trash television. I love a good bubble bath and mint chocolate chip ice cream (sometimes together).

I do not love postpartum depression. 

I have had seasonal depression and generalized anxiety for my whole life, through lots of therapy and training I have learned how to manage it most of the time - but postpartum depression is something completely different. I had my first run-in with PPD after having our daughter. I was so worried about how to be a good mom, compounded with the pediatrician telling me that my "milk wasn't cutting it" at only two days after birth; I was a mess. I woke Bonnie up every hour and a half to feed her for the first month, and rarely ever put her down because I was scared that she would somehow implode if I did. Most nights I slept in our recliner with her because I was too tired to keep going back and forth between the bedrooms. At my postpartum checkups, they asked me "do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby?" and "can you still laugh at things?" - and my answers where "no, I would never!" and "of course I can!" But they never asked me the questions that I needed to hear; "do you have an all-consuming fear of killing your child accidentally?" or "do you feel like you are slowly drowning because you'll never be good enough?" 

I didn't say anything to anyone because I just thought that it was normal to be overwhelmed at first, but that I would figure it out soon enough. I continued to "be strong" and take care of our baby, finish my degree, and be a source of solace for my husband who hated his job; coming home everyday completely drained and devoid of the ability to commiserate. He needed me to support him emotionally. She needed me to do everything for her - literally. And I was suffering through nights of literally almost no sleep, increasingly frequent panic attacks, and terrifying bouts of anxiety-driven paranoia about my abilities as a mother to keep my child alive, much less happy. 

What I needed was someone to tell me that it was going to be okay. To take my burdens from me and let me breathe without the self-made weight upon my shoulders. I eventually sought counseling for Christopher and I, where I told him for the first time how much I was truly struggling. Through that process we thankfully worked on ourselves both separately and together - and now we are better for it.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I birthed the most beautiful baby boy in the world - it's a fact, don't fight me on it. My pregnancy had been long and hard, his delivery was traumatic while going through it - both physically and emotionally, and now I had this (beautiful) little baby who depended on me for everything; just like his much more demanding older sister. During the first couple of weeks I felt great! We had family here, then my church family came and dropped off food the next week; I was taken care of! 

And then one Monday it was just me and two kids - I was ALONE. Very alone. 

I found that the energy I had when there was someone else here with me was gone, and I was lonely; I fantasized about just going to the grocery store, or church! I had no drive to cook real meals, so Bonnie often had some toddler meal pouches, Cheerios, and fruit for her meals; this fueled my self-hate and thoughts that I am indeed a bad mom. I resented the fact that I was contained to my home and that my body wasn't just mine but instead belonged to my newborn who nursed 24/7; or his sister who NEEDED my lap. I cried over anything and everything.

I could feel the darkness creeping back into my life; taking my joy and replacing it with doubt and self hate. I knew that this time I couldn't do it alone - I couldn't be strong and save face.

So I became weak. I cried my eyes out on my husband's shoulder because I wasn't "okay." I made an appointment with a doctor because I NEED professional help. I reached out to my family members because I can't do it alone. I gave myself grace for my transformed body, my crying, my lack of real pants, and my need to go run errands by myself when Christopher comes home at night. 

I gave it to God to carry, because I cannot carry it alone. 

I wrote this post because this blog is my catharsis; my place to unload my hurts and happiness alike. I'm writing to y'all and to myself, so we all know that I am not okay - but that's okay because I'm allowed to be weak sometimes.

Thanks for reading my rants and rambles... And if you are also feeling down these days, please let me pray for you! Please speak your pain and let people know. Please be weak with me.

Stay sweet,

Augustus: A Birth Story

Augustus' birthday had been long awaited and desired by me and my family - he was a big boy already and I could feel his weight with every movement I made - I was ready to have him on the outside. I had started to lose my mental fortitude, and worried that this baby was never going to come out on his/her own! Thankfully, my salvation came at 39 weeks and one day.

I knew that the day had finally come on July 11th, 2016. I woke up at 7:30am to my bloody show and contractions no more than six minutes apart. I was still a little hesitant to declare that I was in labor  as I had been experiencing early labor symptoms for the last two weeks and didn't want to get everyone excited again. I had an appointment with my midwife that day at noon, so I decided to just text her to let her know what was going on, but that I would see her at noon for my appointment. All morning I tidied up the house, packed and repacked our bag, did my makeup to distract myself, and ate a big lunch just in case I lost my appetite later (I later regretted said lunch when I had to give it all back to the porcelain god); the whole time I was breathing through increasingly strong contractions and back laboring pains. Once we got into the car to go to the birth center for my appointment, my contractions were steadily about five and half minutes apart and growing strong enough that I had to focus to breathe through them on my own. I had been hovering at a 1.5cm dilated for the last two weeks, so I was looking for any kind of progress or encouragement from this visit - and validation that I was NOT crazy and was actually in labor. When she checked me at my appointment, I was at a four, rounding the corner to five; praise the Lord! 

She sent me home to labor in the comfort of my own environment, and told me to come back when things started to get more real and intense. I called Christopher to come home from work on the way home from the birth center, and texted my doula to let her know that today was finally the day! Once I got home the contractions picked up and began to get more intense, so I labored in my bathroom by myself until Christopher got there. After about an hour or so of us laboring together alone, I called my doula, Regina, to come and meet us at the house to help with my support. Regina came at around 1:30pm and greeted me as if I wasn't ninety-percent naked and making cow noises; bless that woman. She complimented us on our teamwork and our use of the pain management techniques that we had learned in her birthing classes; and she took the first commemorative photo of us during this labor.

All smiles at the beginning of active labor.

Once Regina got there, I stopped timing my contractions and watching the clock in general, but I know that I labored with Regina and Christopher in my bathroom for another two-ish hours before I started to scare Bonnie from the noises that I was making every four minutes. I asked Regina to please alert my midwife, Kelly, that we would be heading to the birth center soon...

The car ride to the birth center was AWFUL. I was bent over our car seats in the back seat of our car as Christopher tried to drive carefully down the highway, and then very bumpy streets to the center. It seemed like an eternity, but I am fairly certain that it was only about fifteen minutes.

We arrived at the birth center at about 4:00pm (we probably arrived there sooner but it took me almost twenty minutes to walk from the car to the door), and got settled into my favorite of the birthing suites. My midwife was finishing up with her last client of the day, so her student midwife, Beth, took my vitals and listened to the baby's heart tones. When my midwife came to check me, I was having contractions every three minutes for about a minute long - and my back labor had intensified. I was so excited  when Kelly told me that I was already at 9cm dilated! Everyone in the room was so excited that my labor was going so well and so quickly - we assumed that there would be a baby here by 8:00pm!

We felt so close together, bringing this baby into the world.

Christopher was an amazing support partner.

We were wrong.

8:00pm came and went, my contractions were getting stronger and my back was really starting to hurt; but no progression. My cervical lip was puffy on one side because of the position and size of the baby's head; meaning that I couldn't dilate to a full 10cm that would allow the baby's head to pass through into transition. After begging Kelly to do something to help me progress, she broke my water at 8:30pm and gave me Arnica oil both orally and rubbed on my cervix - OWW! 

The birthing pool helped alot with pain management during the first several hours of my labor.

After my waters were broken my contractions became so intense that I began to lose it. I remembered the quote about the difference between pain and suffering; that you choose to suffer. I was suffering. All semblance of my magic natural birthing experience was disappearing before my eyes. I told my birth team that I wanted to quit, and that I wanted to go to the hospital. Kelly told me that she supported me but asked to wait just thirty minutes to see if anything changed - I begrudgingly agreed. I told my doula that I couldn't do it, and she reminded me that I WAS doing it. I said I wanted a c-section, and I was told that it would take at least two hours JUST for an epidural. I wanted to punch everyone in the face. I started getting hysterical and Kelly reminded me that it would get me nowhere, and that I needed to calm myself down. 

Mad that I couldn't get any relief for at least two hours, I decided to try and refocus myself and remember why I was doing this. I changed up my laboring and went and laid down on the bed on my side (I had been laboring in the birth pool and then in the bathroom as well), and tried to be as still and quiet as possible (I had been rocking back and forth and making noises that sounded like a cow/lion/bear). I clenched all of my muscles together and closed my eyes just trying to make the waves of pain calm down, even if just for a second. I prayed to God for the hundredth time that night, asking Him to forgive me for trying to do it on my own and for fighting the process. I prayed that God would give me the strength and endurance to bring this baby earthside safely. I prayed that He would end my suffering, and let me accept the pain as a part of bringing this baby into the world. Christopher says that he didn't know what was going on with me at this point because I was acting completely different than I had been before - he thought I might've been dying or maybe labor has just stopped. After about forty-five minutes of refocusing and clenching all of my muscles, I realized that I was probably preventing the baby from moving down at all because I was closing off my pelvis... So I stopped clenching for just a second and BAM! I felt a head hit my birth canal like a cannonball. 

Regina told me that my leg started to rise and she knew that something was happening. When I felt the baby's head strut descending, I let out a scream (and scared the bejeebies out of everyone in the room because I had been quiet like death for almost an hour). Kelly asked "was that a push?! Are you pushing?!" and I said that I wasn't sure. She checked me and told me the best thing I had heard all day long - the baby's head was through! My cervix had FINALLY moved out of the way!

My birth team helped me move from the bed to a birthing stool and I felt the urge to PUSH. I pulled up on that birthing stool so hard that the next day I had bruises on my chest from straining so much. Kelly put a mirror under the stool so Christopher and I could see the baby's head making its way down the birth canal (both really cool and kinda disturbing at the same time). Once the head was crowning, Kelly told me that I needed to get off of the birth stool to help prevent excessive tearing - so they helped me onto my knees on the side of the bed. Christopher was behind me pushing on my back and cheering me on - telling me about our baby's hair and how close he/she was. Regina was on the bed, lending me her hands (which I probably almost broke, I am so sorry girl!). 

People describe what it is like when you're crowning - but they can't really do it justice. It was the single most painful thing that I have ever experienced, and yet I was SO excited to be going through it because it meant that I was almost done - my baby was almost here! When the head emerged fully, it was only two pushes before my baby was shot into this world (actually felt so fast that I was worried that no one caught him). I was so overwhelmed when Kelly passed the baby between my legs so I could pull it up to my chest - I was so relieved and exhausted. The umbilical cord was so thick that I couldn't see whether I had a son or a daughter at first - but once I re-positioned slightly, I saw that we had a son!

Praise the Lord!

I am so deliriously happy and exhausted at this moment.

First latch was a success!

Augustus Phillip Ross was born at 11:47pm on July 11th, 2016, after an eighteen hour labor full of surprises and trials. He weighed 9lbs 10oz, was 21.5 inches long, and had a head circumference of 15.2 inches (that's the 99.99% in case you were curious). He was perfect. He took his sweet time to cry, but once he did I could hear how strong he was. I cried. 

Daddy weighing his little (big) boy.

Looking back on this experience, I can say that it is both the hardest and most humbling thing that I have ever done. The pain and fear that I felt, God used to bring me closer to Him; because I couldn't have done it alone. I also couldn't have done it without my amazing birth team, and my incredibly supportive hubby; they carried me through the valleys so I could get to the top of the mountain. 

To my son, Augustus...

God used your birth to bring me to my knees - literally, and trust in Him alone because I knew that I could not do it by myself. I would still do every single second over again to bring you earthside; I love you.

Stay sweet,

Bumpdate: 36ish Weeks

Hello my long-lost loves, please excuse my recent hiatus! My life has been all kinds of crazy lately with Bonnie cutting her canines (teething is the Devil), briefly freaking out that I thought that I might have pre-eclampsia (thank the Lord above I didn't, I just have a bunch of crappy symptoms that I have been dealing with), and just last week on Friday I went in to be checked by my midwife because I could tell that something had changed, and I was worried about going into preterm labor (since I wasn't even officially 36 weeks yet); and I was already over half-way effaced and fully anterior. Eek!

So, I am now finally slowing down and penning my thoughts and updates for y'all, from my couch on bed-rest! I am so thankful for my little village that has been helping me through everything the last couple of weeks; it truly makes life better and easier when you have a community of people that you can rely on in times of need, and can celebrate with in times of joy! Also, shout out to my mom for coming this week and doing ALL of the heavy lifting that makes our world turn - Grammy is the best!

Baby Dos is feeling very heavy, and is sitting quite low - right on my cervix. He or she has also decided to break their month long streak of being in the perfect LOA position and switched it up to turn OP - which I am NOT happy about and am considering grounding him or her.

On Sunday I will be 37 weeks and will be considered far enough along that if I go into labor I can go to my birthing center instead of going to the hospital in a state of emergency... So I will be able to get off of bed rest and start trying to get this big ol' baby out! I'm ready!

Please keep us in your prayers for the next couple of weeks - and send positive vibes that Baby Dos will turn! 

Stay sweet,

What's in My Birth Bag: Baby Dos Edition

This post also contains affiliate links. If you shop from my blog, I may be compensated for clicks or purchases that you make. Read my disclaimer page for more information.

When I gave birth to Bonnie, it was at our local hospital (a very nice hospital with a wonderful nursing staff by the way). When you deliver in a hospital, you normally have to stay for at least twenty-four hours after the baby is born; we ended up staying closer to thirty-six because she was born at seven o'clock at night on the day of my admittance. With this baby, I will be delivering at a birth center, then going home that same day/night to my own home, and my midwife will come a couple of times over the course of the first couple of days to check on how Baby Dos and I are doing. I am SUPER excited about getting to go home and sleep in my own bed, stuff my face with non-hospital food, and NOT have nurses come wake me up every four hours to push on my deflated uterus (seriously, I almost throat-punched this poor girl after I had B).

So, this time around my bag will be slightly different (I won't be so prone to over-pack) in its contents! Also, having gone through labor before and being a doula now,  feel like I am more aware of things that I will actually want to have versus things the internet might tell me to bring.

Here is what I have gathered up to pack in my birth go-bag so far...
48oz Bubba Jug
Earth Mama Angel Baby Birth Plan
Earth Mama Angel Baby Postpartum Bundle
2 comfy t-shirts (one for Hubbs if he comes from work)
pajama shorts
1 nursing bra
socks
Trail Mix
SheaMoisture Coconut & Hibiscus Body Butter (love this smell)
2 Tennis Balls
Burt's Bees Ultra Conditioning Lip Balm
nursing pads
deodorant
hair brush & hair ties
Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara (because I am slightly vain)
YumEarth Organic Lollipops (these are DELICIOUS)
notebook & pen
maxi pads
a couple of magazines
Little Wife Power House - Serape Baby Blanket & Knotted Beanie (so so so cute)
plain onesie
baby socks
baby mittens
a few pairs of cotton undies that I'm willing to sacrifice
iPhone charger
my tablet & it's charger (in case I want to watch a movie, etc.)
headphones
Tylenol Extra Strength
yoga pants for heading home

I will also have...
my iPhone
my wallet with my insurance card, ID, etc. (in case I have an emergency)
my favorite blanket (shout out to Parris) in case I get cold

That is everything that I think that I could possibly need, especially since we will be going home the same day/night that Baby Dos is born - yay! If we have to be transferred to the hospital due to an emergency, almost all of my bases are covered; someone can bring me shampoo or my toiletries if I needed them. I feel like with Bonnie's birth I over-packed A LOT because I had no idea what to expect; with this birth I am more prepared and have more support; and don't feel the need to look glamorous going home - ha!

What did you pack in your birth bag? Got any suggestions? Let me know in the comments below!

Stay sweet,

Bumpdate: 31 Weeks.

Hello friends! So sorry for my recent hiatus - it has been a busy last couple of weeks, and once again we were dealing with yet ANOTHER stomach flu. I ended up straining my abdominal ligaments and being in some pain for a few days afterwards; but I am feeling much better now!

Baby Dos has definitely been packing on the pounds and is still measuring about two weeks ahead of schedule (so closer to 33 weeks than 31 in development and measurements). His or her movements have become increasingly uncomfortable due to the lack of space, and I can feel my cervix start to thin out; so I am hoping that on Wednesday at my midwife appointment she can reassure me that I have at least six more weeks left! 

Symptoms wise I am experiencing some fatigue and some Braxton Hicks contraction; but otherwise very good! I have gained about three pounds now over my starting weight of this pregnancy - but I feel like it has been closer to ninety. The baby has been hanging out pretty low, but still haven't felt him or her "drop" per-say. Hoping to keep up my energy and hydration up for the next couple of months, and for s good checkup on Wednesday!

Check back later this week on what I am putting in my birth bag!

Stay sweet,

Keep Your Comments & Hands to Yourself.

One of the the biggest complaints I have about being pregnant is when people feel the need to comment on my pregnant body. I know that pregnancy is an exciting time (hello I AM the pregnant one here), but the number of people that I get commenting on MY body (or trying to touch me!) on a daily basis is ASTOUNDING. 

This weekend I was at a family friend's crawfish boil, and several people asked to touch my belly throughout the day. A few of the people who asked were my close family friends and I had no problem letting them rub up on Baby Dos, but some of them were strangers who were friends of my friends; that is a hard pass, folks. One woman, after *complimenting* me about how I was "all baby" and didn't look "that far along", was visibly upset that I wouldn't allow her to touch MY body and told me "you're just like my daughter-in-law! She wouldn't let me rub on my grandbaby either!"

Well, then. 

I wanted to launch into a full tirade about how another person's body is theirs and theirs alone, and that she was in no way entitled to touch her daughter-in-law's body any more than mine; but I didn't. I simply said "I'm sorry that you feel that way", and walked away. This woman was just like so many others that I have met during my last pregnancy and this one as well; people feel like their comments are complimentary, or that wanting to touch my baby bump is some how a universally accepted custom that I should be okay with. 

What people don't seem to understand is that every woman is different; and their journeys to baby are all different as well. Some women may love for you to tell them that they look "little" or "all baby" because they have struggled with their weight before and are worried about it now during their pregnancy especially; or some might take that "compliment" and hear that they aren't as big as they should be - causing them to worry about the growth of their baby. Some women might like to hear how big their belly looks because they have struggled to put on any weight for the baby; while others might start worrying about their weight gain. I have even been told (by both family members and some less-than-friends) that the baby "must have eaten some of my fat because my face looked thinner" or that I "look so pretty - my face looks thinner." The moral of this rant is that if you don't know these pregnant mothers well, please don't feel like you are entitled to touch their bodies. Better yet, go with this motto; "If you didn't put it in there, don't touch!" 

I know that pregnant bellies are hand-magnets, and that everyone thinks that their compliments come from the heart, but it is not always so. 

Next time you feel the need to comment on a pregnant mother's appearance, try something like "you look very nice today", or simply "you look radiant!" And as far as touching someone's belly is concerned - wait until SHE offers or brings it up before you go reaching for that bump! 

Do any of these comments give you dejá vu? Got any funny stories about it? Let me know in the comment below!

Stay sweet, 

Mother's Day Gift Guide.

Mother's Day is less than two weeks away, folks! And whether you make her something from the heart - or buy her something new; your mom just wants to know how much you love and appreciate her! Here are some of my suggestions for great gifts you could give her for less than $55!

1. Mikas Pond Bee Wristlet - Kate Spade $78 (on sale this week for $52)!
Super cute wristlet wallet for when you're on the go. Comes in multiple colors and has the classic gold finishings of Kate Spade! I love this because it will fit in whatever bad you might carry, but can also just be worn as the wristlet - so juggling kids and your wallet isn't so much of a hassle!

2. Dainty Sparklers Bow Reversible Earring - Kate Spade $38
Every lady needs a pair of pearl earrings, and these have a cute little twist! They're reversible so it's almost like getting two pairs of earrings for one! If you have little ones, dangle earrings can prove to be dangerous, so these studs are the perfect way to stay stylish & tear-free!

3. Women's Tote Bag with Zipfront Pocket - Merona $39 (at Target)
I am a sucker for a great bag. This bag is affordable, fashionable, and can hold all of my mama-junk that I have to carry around with me every day! It comes in three different colors and has two carrying options; on the arm, or on the shoulder (for when your hands are full of munchkins)!

4. Pink Innocencia Bath & Body Collection - Sonia Kashuk $6.99 - $19.99 (at Target)
All moms like spa days; it's just a fact of life. Might I suggest getting her a gift card to your local spa or this lovely bundle from Sonia Kashuk - available at Target! She will love feeling pampered like the queen that she is!

5. Multi-Use Nursing Shirt Milky Stripe - Milk Snob $42
If you have a nursing mama in your life - this shirt would be an AWESOME gift! It is a loungey shirt, nursing cover, AND car seat cover; all in one! It is made out o super soft and breathable cotton, and is very roomy for easy access for breastfeeding anywhere - I am DEFINITELY getting myself one.

6. Personalized Gold Bar Necklace - Love / Edor $39
Moms love personalized gifts, and this delicate gold bar necklace with her child's name on it is a perfect example! Got more than one baby? Try adding their initials to it, instead of one long name!

I hope that these suggestions have given you some great ideas, and that all the mamas out there have a happy and wonderful Mother's Day! Moms are often the unsung heroes of our lives, and they deserve to feel extra special for their big day... so be sure to tell her that you love her!
Got any suggestions? Let me know in the comments below!

Stay sweet,

Bumpdate: 28 Weeks.

Happy Monday, friends! I cannot believe that this year is already almost a third of the way over - time has been flying. I am now officially in my third trimester, and I am counting down the weeks until our sweet bundle of snuggles is here!

Baby Dos is weighing in at about 2 1/4 pounds, and over 15 inches long; about the size of a large eggplant. His/her motions have become more forceful in utero; almost painful at times for me when I get jabbed in the rib cage by some tiny feet! Everything has been going well this last week; I feel great and have had a good amount of energy. I have been progressing in my prenatal yoga and am feeling much stronger and more confident about my capabilities! 

As far as physically, I am having little to no negative symptoms, except for a little bit of a restless feeling in my legs at night (for which I cut out most of my caffeine intake and it seemed to clear up). I am only about 1.5 pounds under my starting weight now, and during the third trimester you tend to gain about a pound a week; so I am shooting for only *gaining* about ten to fifteen pounds or so from now until my due date!

Still looking for ideas for Mother's Day gifts? Check back later this week for my suggestions!

Stay sweet, 

Three Things on Thursday.

Since I just celebrated my anniversary with the Hubbs on Tuesday, and Mother's Day is right around the corner, this week's three things are some gift ideas that I personally LOVE (and think that you might too!). I will be posting a larger gift idea list later on as it gets closer to Mother's Day!

One. 

Queen Bee Solitaire Bracelet - Kate Spade $58

I LOVE THIS BRACELET. Kate Spade has come out with a line of jewelry that is bee - themed, and I am OBSESSED. Bees are close to my heart not only because of the fact that we call Bonnie our little bee, but also because the bee is a scientific anomaly; it should not be able to fly yet it does with great precision and accuracy! It's one of the many reasons I decided to use the name "Milk & Nectar" for my blog and doula business - because mothers defy all odds and give birth everyday so gracefully and determined. This bracelet has a matching necklace, as well as several other coordinating pieces (HINT HINT).

Two.

Flowers (specifically these are peonies).

Flowers might seem like an overdone gesture, but a really nice bouquet goes a LONG way! Christopher bought me some flowers for our anniversary, because he knows that they are one of my many love languages. If you're ever at a loss for a gift, I would highly suggest some high quality flowers! I personally love all of the arrangements at Farm Girl Flowers, they just don't ship to my area - but you should see if they can ship to you!

Three.

Liquid Lipstick - Anastasia Beverly Hills $20

This is by far the BEST liquid lipstick that I have yet to come across. It dries matte without drying up your lips, will not smudge while you sip your drink or take a bite out of your food, and it doesn't transfer to your poor hubby's face when you give him smooches for buying it for you (HINT). I loved my "Dusty Rose" shade, but they are unfortunately sold out of it at this time! I found the "Stripped" shade and I think I have found a new love! 

Is there anything that you ladies are pining for, this Mother's Day? Let me know in the comments below so I might add them to my Mother's Day Gift Guide!

Stay sweet,

Bumpdate: 27 Weeks.

Okay, so if you live in Texas, you might be reading this post from an emergency flotation device... in which case; thanks for being such a steadfast reader! (Just kidding, if you are on an emergency flotation device just hold on and read this later). Thankfully out here in the desert, errrr I mean "semi-arid grassland prairie" (Hubby is a know-it-all), the rain gets sucked into the ground in a matter of a couple hours vs. a couple days! 

Besides today being my 27 week bumpdate, it is also my wedding anniversary with my sweet Hubbs! We had a toddler-free date night on Saturday, and really enjoyed ourselves! It is so funny to think that we have only been married for two years and together for a little over three; it feels like he has been a part of my life for forever now. Add the fact that I am soon to give birth to our second sweet nugget and - WOW! Time seriously flies when you have kids. 

Speaking of kids... It definitely feels like he or she had a growth spurt this week (or maybe I might have eaten too much ice cream, but what's the difference really?), as I am now only about 2-3 pounds under my starting pregnancy weight! Plus, I feel like a football is doing yoga in my stomach almost all of the time. The kid is all knees, elbows, and butt I swear! Having a posterior placenta has been fun/creepy this time around because this kid MOVES; and with no placenta in the way, you can SEE he or she going to town in my womb. It''s like Hallmark moments meets Alien v. Predator. 

Baby Dos is weighing in at just about 2 pounds, and it around 14-15 inches long (according to my Baby Center app), about the size of a large head of cauliflower. He or she is certainly moving alot more often, and on a more regular schedule. I get the most activity when I am either eating, relaxing (like right before I fall asleep!), and sitting in church - I think it is because they get squished in my abdomen! I have had no swelling this week, my heartburn is almost gone, and my hemorrhoids are less painful! I have been increasing my stretches because of some tightness in my lower back and sides, but no pain - praise the Lord!

Today also marks the beginning of my serious potty training schedule for B, so if you have any tips, kind words, or prayers to send me - please do so in the comments below!

Stay sweet, 

Three Things on Thursday.

This post also contains affiliate links. If you shop from my blog, I may be compensated for clicks or purchases that you make. Read my disclaimer page for more information.

This week's three things were heavily influenced by my pregnancy, just a forewarning. I have finally been getting my appetite back, as well as nesting like a crazy little bird - so I picked some great products to share with y'all in lieu of all of that craziness. Here's my three things this week for you to enjoy along with me!

One.
Total Moisture Face Cream - Benefit $42.00
This is one of the priciest things in my makeup repertoire, but so so so worth it! I live in a very dry environment, in addition to never getting enough sleep - I end up with dry bags under my eyes. Yuck. Even on days when I don't wear makeup {read: most days}, I will DAB a TINY bit of the moisturizer on dryer areas of my face and neck; and the results are almost instantaneous. I have been using this small jar for almost three months now, and have literally not even made a dent in it anymore because of how powerful and concentrated it is!

Two.
Caramel Cocoa Cluster Frappuccino - Starbucks $(varies by location)
Y'all. They brought this drink back this week and I must say that it takes a close second place in my heart to the S'mores Frapp (BRING IT BACK STARBUCKS). It's delicious and I needed it, and you need it to! Go!

Three.
Mama Bottom Balm - Earth Mama Angel Baby $12.99
So this product might be TMI for some readers - if that's you... I'm sorry friend... but I gotta keep it real. This is one of Earth Mama Angel Baby's best postpartum products, but I am currently using it now because hemorrhoids hate me. If you're a fellow sufferer (praying for you, girl), or you have postpartum vaginal swelling and bruising, perineal tears, episiotomy pain, o r maybe you just went on a long bike ride that you regret; I would suggest this to any of y'all! The balm is naturally cooling, hospital recommended, and soothes discomfort with 100% natural herbs; like St. Johns wort, Yarrow, Witch hazel, and Calendula.

If you have enjoyed any of these products, or have any suggestions, let me know in the comments below!

Stay sweet,

"What Do You Do?" & Other Hogwash.

I am a mom.
I am a mom who stays at home with her toddler most days.
I am a mom who has a career that is flexible, passion about that career, and has big plans for the future.
I am a mom who is tired of being asked/told...
"...when are you going back to work?"
"...that's nice that you stay at home, I wish we could afford that."
"...so what do you want to do besides have babies?"
"...that's nice for you, but I would go crazy being stuck at home all day!"
"...what do you do (sometimes with the added "all day?" at the end)?"

First of all, hop off. If we do not speak on a regular basis, why do you care anyway? If you are not paying my bills or expecting a payment of any sort from me, should you be asking/assuming about my family's finances? And if you have the cojones to passive-aggressively insinuate that I am somehow missing out or crazy because I stay at home with my toddler and you don't/can't/won't; I would take several seats.

Don't come for me unless I call for you, boo.

Yes, I am truly blessed to be able to stay at home with my daughter during the day and watch her grow; but it is because my husband and I work HARD at saving our money and have been blessed by the generosity and support of our family in the past and present. I do not lay around eating bonbons on the couch all day; I am putting in the woman-hours into keeping up our home and making sure every need of our collective lives are taken care of on time and fully, into educating our child who loves to learn and be challenged (and be challenging), into educating myself so that I may become a better doula and soon, midwife. I am not unfulfilled because I am not working a nine-to-five; I work a 24/7 with no holidays, sick days, or benefits (except a smoking-hot coworker). I do not harbor any contempt, judgment, or pity for mothers who work away from home; if that is something that you need or want to do, by all means girl, go get your paper! I do not plan on being at home all of the time for the rest of my life; but I am also not itching and praying for the day when my children are grown and no longer need me to chase them around the house with snot-rags and sippy cups.

The real shame of this is that I feel the need to post something like this, defending MY choices for MY family. I had a conversation with a friend this week who was telling me of an online interaction that she had where a woman that she had never met decided that she knew best about my friend's family and how they should conduct themselves; the fudge? She was describing to me this one-sided confrontation, and asking me why it was that fellow women especially would be so mean to one another; over things that neither apply to them nor affect them. I didn't get it either. If you are a mother who feels the need to comment and judge other mothers who are doing their best to live their best lives for themselves and their families; you can't sit with me.

Stay at home moms are not "just" moms. Working moms are not neglecting motherhood. Do not assume to know me by what you may see or infer, because it's what beneath the water that sunk the Titanic; and I highly doubt you're better constructed. Stop assuming that SAHMs need something else in their lives to be fulfilled, or that they don't have interests outside of diapers and Daniel Tiger. Stop telling mothers who go to work that they're "trying to have it all" in lieu of focusing on their kids.

All mothers work. All mothers love their children. All mothers parent differently. EVERY mother matters and should feel supported and respected.

So in conclusion, please try to keep ignorant comments and assumptions out of your mouth, if not your mind. Be kind to everyone, especially mothers, because you have no idea who they are and what they struggle with unless they grant you the privilege of letting you know. Never ever ask a SAHM "what do you do?" or a WM "don't you miss your kids?" - you will get cut.

If you have any thoughts on this subject, please let me know in the comments below! I would love to hear from you!

Stay sweet,

Bumpdate: 26 Weeks.

So you may have noticed that I missed last week's bumpdate... oops. So sorry! I was sleep deprived or in pain for the majority of last week - as we moved B into her "big girl bed" last weekend, and it proved to be more of a transition than expected! But I am back this week and feeling better than ever! I was really struggling with some lower back pain in my tailbone last week, and ended up going to the chiropractor for the first time - OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID I LIVE BEFORE?! This lady cracked me like a glowstick, y'all. It was insane. But besides a little soreness for the following twenty-four hours, I was pain free afterwards! I definitely plan on going back every so often to stay aligned and in good shape. 

I officially can NOT see my toes anymore, eep! And I often feel like I am smuggling a medicine ball under my shirt these days. Baby Dos is weighing in at almost two pounds, and is over a foot long - but he/she feels like closer to ten pounds and the size of a basketball! I haven't weighted myself this week because I have been running around like a chicken without a head, but believe that I am still about four pounds or so under my pre-pregnancy starting weight.

My swelling has been all but invisible all week long, and my tailbone is pain-free after seeing the magic chiropractor! The only real pains that are giving me grievance this week would be the big H's; hemorrhoids and heart burn - neither are pleasant to deal with, but are hopefully temporary. I have been drinking close to 96 ounces of water each day, and been doing a twenty minute prenatal yoga program - along with feverishly cleaning my house - as exercise! Nesting has definitely hit me HARD... I literally just mopped the floor and scrubbed down the kitchen at eight in the evening last night, y'all. Overall, I am feeling more excited about the arrival of Baby Dos, and am looking forward to have a snuggly little nugget to add to the family!

Check out the blog later this week for my response to some questions about being a SAHM, and for my Three Things on Thursday!

Stay sweet,

Three Things on Thursday.

This post also contains affiliate links. If you shop from my blog, I may be compensated for clicks or purchases that you make. Read my disclaimer page for more information.

Sometimes as mommies we are so busy trying to keep everyone else relatively clean and fed, that we forget that we need to take care of ourselves too! Just like in the event of an emergency in the sky - you need to take care of yourself before you can properly take care of others; like a hot shower and a cup or six of some strong coffee to start your day off right! So in honor of taking care of ourselves, I am starting a new series called "Three Things on Thursday" to bring you three things that you can do/buy/make/eat/etc. each week to #treatyoself - because you deserve it mama!

One.

Detox Purifying Black Mask - Sonia Kashuk available at Target $15.99

I love to good mask to keep my worry-wrinkles at bay! This clay-based mask contains kaolin to absorb oil and impurities from skin. With superb anti-aging qualities, the mask features a combination of effective alpha-hydroxy acids – glycolic acid to slough off dead skin cells, lactic acid to stimulate cell growth, mandelic acid for anti-bacterial properties and salicylic acid to smooth texture. White tea provides antioxidant protection and aloe vera, calendula flower and chamomile extracts soothe and moisturize. Eucalyptus and peppermint essential oils have astringent properties to tone the skin, while cucumber and licorice extracts brighten for a more unified complexion.

Two.

The Simplified Home Base Binder Kit - Emily Lee $48 (on sale now for $36)

I am Type A with a splash of other, more fun letters, but mainly anal-retentive. One thing that I love is having cute and helpful products to keep my schedule and home in order! Emily Ley has a bunch of beautiful products for productivity, home + office, and even for your babies! The Home Base Binder includes the binder, pages and dividers. The perfect place to manage home, family and everything in between! AND it is on sale right now!

Three.

OPI Nail Polish $3-$8

Something that I love to do to pamper myself is to paint my nails. My sweet friend Katherine (another awesome doula in the Austin area who you should definitely hire!) was the one who started this in my mind, because she reminded me that having pretty nails makes you feel pretty... and when I feel pretty, I feel powerful. So, until my belly gets in the way (which could be any day now) I will continue to give myself at home mani-pedis! I got this color at Target because it was called Strawberry Margarita, and since I am pregnant it was the closest I can get to a real one! 

Have any suggestions for ways to treat yourself throughout the week? Let me know in the comments below!

Stay sweet,

Making Memories: Lucy Darling Baby Book Review.

Lucy Darling  provided me with product,  and compensation in exchange for an honest review. The opinions I have shared about the products are my own. For more information, please view my disclaimer page.

It is no secret that I am a slightly anal-retentive person. Maybe even more than slightly. I love to plan, organize, and decorate. My husband is constantly telling me to please stop moving furniture around, color-coding the family calendar, and for the love of goodness stop going to Target (my one true weakness)! When it comes to getting ready for Baby Dos, I half limited myself on how much I can psychotically plan out, because we are waiting to find out what the sex of the baby is until his/her birthday; so I had to find something else to do besides pick out gender-specific clothing and monogramming. 

I can start his/her baby book! 

I was a total slacker with B's baby book, like I didn't even start it until right before her first birthday slacking. I also was very picky about what I wanted for her baby book, and found myself very wrapped up in aesthetic presentation (she is literally not going to care what I wrote or how the pictures are organized as long as I have her birth certificate for her to enroll in school or some summer camp, probably). With Baby Dos, I knew that I wanted to keep myself from over-thinking anything this time around - so I set out to find a baby book that was pleasing to the eye, gender-neutral in theme, and easy for me to manage without a crafting-induced panic attack.

Lucy Darling delivered everything I asked for, and more! 

They also sent me a super cute little note along with the book! 

I chose the Little Animal Lovers Memory Book for Baby Dos because it is gender neutral in theme, already decorated with cute little animals, and the perfect size! I started filling out the little text spots on the pages, and putting his/her ultrasound picture in! 

I got some super cute jungle stickers to go with it!

Lucy Darling has a little something for everyone, with their 60 unique sticker designs, 150 nursery art prints, closet dividers, memory books and multiple baby products in the pipeline! 

They also design all of their own products and print them locally in the USA - love love love supporting local businesses! From pregnancy belly stickers to alphabet cards, closet dividers to memory books, Lucy Darling has everything that you could want.

I'm going to keep updating the memory book as my pregnancy progresses (and afterwards when we actually know who was inside my womb for all this time) and plan on buying some of the SUPER cute monthly stickers for Baby Dos for his/her monthly photos! If you would like some adorable stickers as well, now is your chance! Head on over to my Instagram or a chance to win some FREE monthly stickers (pregnancy OR monthly baby set)!

Stay sweet,

Stretch Me Out: My Favorite Prenatal Yoga Moves.

So if you've ever been pregnant, you are probably familiar with the aches and pains that come along with it. If you haven't - just take it from me that it isn't fun, okay? In the second and third trimesters of pregnancy, shifting pelvic bones and muscles, and the weight of your growing baby can really start to cause some discomfort in your pelvis and lower back; one of the best ways to deal with these annoying pains is prenatal yoga or stretches! Here are some of the best poses/stretches that I have found - you can do them multiple times a day!

Cobbler's or Tailor's pose: This sitting pose helps open the pelvis and relieve some discomfort that you might feel from the shift in your pelvic floor.

Sit up straight against a wall with the soles of your feet touching each other.

Gently press your knees down and away from each other, but don't force them apart.

Stay in this position for as long as you're comfortable.

Pelvic tilt or Cat-Cow: This position helps relieve back pain - and is the one that I do the most these days!

Get on your hands and knees, arms shoulder-width apart and knees hip-width apart, keeping your arms straight, but not locking the elbows.

Tuck your bottom under and round your back as you breathe in.

Relax your back into a neutral position as you breathe out.

Repeat at your own pace.

Squatting: Squatting is a very important and useful position for labor and delivery!

Stand facing the back of a chair with your feet slightly wider than hip-width apart, toes pointed outward. Hold the back of the chair for support.

Contract your abdominal muscles, lift your chest, and relax your shoulders. Then lower your tailbone toward the floor as though you were going to sit down on a chair. Find your balance — most of your weight should be toward your heels.

Take a deep breath and, exhaling, push into your legs to rise to a standing position.

Side-lying position: This is a good resting pose for the end of a practice.

Lie on your left or right side with your head resting on your arm or a blanket.

Put a body pillow or blanket roll between your thighs to give your hips some support.

These are just a few positions that have really helped me through the transitional stage that my body is going through - there are many more that you can learn from a professional instructor or your care provider! Other things that can help ease your burden a little bit are staying hydrated (you should be drinking close to half your weight in ounces of water a day), staying active for a half hour each day (walking our dog or pushing B in the stroller around our parks is my favorite), and taking small breaks throughout your day with your feet up and support for your lower back!

Do any of y'all have any helpful hints on how to manage some of the pains of pregnancy? Let me know in the comments below! 

Stay sweet,

Bumpdate: 24 Weeks.

Dress: PinkBlush Maternity - Enter to win $75 to PinkBlush in the link below!

I hope that y'all had a very happy Easter weekend! I am heading into the third trimester of this pregnancy... I can see the finish line before me! Baby Dos has been moving around more and more but seems to still be in the head-down position, thank goodness! I have been slacking on using proper form to pick things up (and by things I mean my increasingly clingy toddler and the hundreds of things that she throws on my floor all day long), and now my lower back pain has returned with a vengeance. Stay tuned later this week to learn about some stretches that help alleviate sacrum and lower back pain - I am doing them about three times a day at this point.

Baby Dos is measuring at around twelve inches long, and a little over a pound and a half - about the size of a really heavy earn of corn, haha! I have gained about a half pound since last week, but still am a few pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight - I am hoping to continue this slow and steady increase for the next fourteen to eighteen weeks (give or take). 

I am starting to have a little bit of swelling in my lower extremities, nothing too severe or abnormal, but something that I am keeping an eye on as the temperatures start to increase here. I have started walking a half mile a day or exercising for thirty minutes, to help improve my circulation. I also bought a HUGE water jug today to help me get more water into my system, and take small breaks throughout the day with my feet elevated (but not higher than my heart).

How are y'all feeling this week? Did Easter tire you out? Let me know in the comments below! 

P.S. There's still time to enter my giveaway for $75 to PinkBlush! 

Stay sweet,

My Maternity Fashion Must Have + Pink Blush Giveaway!

PinkBlush Maternity provided me with product and compensation in exchange for an honest review. The opinions I have shared about the products are my own.

Anyone who has been pregnant can tell you that feeling cute ain't easy when you're dealing with a rapidly changing body AND trying to find fashionable clothes that fit! My personal maternity clothing go-to is a comfortable, and cute maternity maxi dress - but I often have trouble finding ones in my size, and a suitable length for my tall frame (I am just barely under six feet tall).

Then I found PinkBlush Maternity. Holy mother of cuteness!

PinkBlush is an online maternity boutique that caters to a variety of sizes and personal styles. They also carry non-maternity clothing that is equally adorable and fashionable. With Spring making it's debut, and Summer coming hastily around the corner down here in Texas, I wanted a cute maternity dress that I could style for the breezy spring weather now - and the blistering heat later.

I love this dress because of the lightweight fabric, trendy color and style, and more than long - enough hemline for me! It is a great pop of a bold color that makes me feel comfortable, fashionable, and beautiful. Three of my favorite words! I also plan on wearing this after the baby as a comfy-fitting maxi for those first few months of postpartum life.

Dress: PinkBlush Maternity / Jewelry: Kendra Scott / Sandals: Target

I really love PinkBlush Maternity because of the effortless nature of their trendy maternity clothes; that make my life just a little bit easier in this transitional stage of motherhood!

I want to spread to love with you lovelies, so I have raffling off a $75 dollar gift card to PinkBlush Maternity (to my nonpregnant readers, there are ALOT of super cute non-maternity options as well!)!

The contest will run for one week, starting today, and will end at midnight next Saturday! The winner will be announced next Sunday on the blog and my Instagram account @milkandnectar, and will be contacted by PinkBlush to receive their gift card!

Enter below, and good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway


Stay sweet,

Money & The Midwife: Dealing with Your Insurance Company.

Last week, I discussed my emotional and personal reasons of why I chose to see a midwife for this pregnancy. Today, I want to talk about the economic reasons, as well as some of issues that we faced along the way.

Becoming a parent can be expensive in the United States; hospital bills for the delivery that could break the bank, lack of paid maternity leave (or any paternity leave at all), and exorbitant costs if your baby may need any kind of medical intervention or to stay in the hospital for any amount of time. According to Parents.com, the average hospital birth rings up as $3,500. If you add in the cost of the prenatal appointments, delivery, and postpartum healthcare, the cost goes up to $8,802!

That's alot of enchiladas, folks.

With Bonnie's birth, we stayed in the hospital for the minimum amount of time, she never let my side, and it was a normal, vaginal birth. We still ended up paying around $4,000 for the hospital fees ALONE. Now, depending on your insurance company these rates can differ; but for most people in the United States it is similar. For this pregnancy's care and delivery, we wanted to be as cost efficient as possible - but still receive the quality care that I wanted and deserve. I did some research on our hospital choices here, and the cost seemed to be the same or even higher!

So when we found Kelly, my midwife, I was shocked to find out that her total cash bill for my prenatal care, delivery, facility fee (because I am delivering at the birth center and not at home), and postpartum care was $5,500 TOTAL. That's around $3,000 cheaper than the AVERAGE American's bill after everything is totaled up. Why does it cost so much more to go to an OB/GYN at a hospital, for an average, run-of-the-mill mother and baby with no complications? And why aren't more women seeking out midwives as their care providers during pregnancy?

Insurance.

Most insurance companies will not cover professionals like Kelly, because midwives order less tests (if you show signs of distress or disorder then tests will be ordered - but if the pregnancy is normal and healthy there is no real reason to have your blood drawn a hundred times in nine months), and women often need less medical interventions (which makes them less money). Most people who see Kelly find that their insurance providers do not cover a Certified Professional Midwife, or a Licensed Midwife; so they have to pay out of pocket in cash for her services. Though her bill is much less expensive for the total cost of care, and she breaks it up into payments over the course of your pregnancy, $5,000 is a scary number to see on your contract.

In my case, I have a pretty good plan with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas; so it was exceedingly easier for me to work with my insurance provider versus some of the other horror stories I've heard from friends. First, I had to have my midwife's third-party billing company contact BC/BS to estimate my potential in network and out of network coverage. At first they didn't think they would cover her at all, but then found that she did meet the requirements for an out-of-network provider. Next, I petitioned BC/BS to accept her as an in-network exception because she is the only midwife in the area for several hundred miles. To the surprise of myself and Kelly, my petition was accepted she is considered an in-network provider for me now! Lastly, I called personally to confirm my limits and coverage and had them send me a copy of what I was told for my own records, in case they decide to change their decision later on. 

My dealings with the insurance company was stressful for me, but ended much happier and easier than I would have ever expected; but many other women who want to receive care from a midwife aren't lucky enough to have the same outcome. My advice to other pregnant mommas out there who are interested in home birth or delivering at a birthing center with a midwife is to...
1. stay positive and persistent - If I had just accepted my fate and left it alone after getting my out of network quote, I would be paying $5,000 out of pocket (which is still considerably cheaper than most totals for pregnancy, birth, and postpartum care)!

2. Don't get discouraged if it seems difficult, just find the care provider that is right for you- and fight for what you deserve!
3. Do your research, and use all of your resources! 

I hope my story might help inspire others who might be faced with the same difficult journey! Did you have a hard time getting insurance to cover your birth choices? Or have a huge hospital bill that you weren't expecting? Let me know in the comments below! 

Stay sweet,

Bumpdate: 23 Weeks.

This had been a whirlwind of a week! We FINALLY got to see Baby Dos on the sonogram machine - so exciting! Already, we can see that he/she is feisty just like his/her big sister; they were VERY stubborn and uncooperative during the sonogram. The thirty minute appointment quickly turned into an hour because Baby Dos did NOT want his/her picture taken. When he/she finally cooperated with us, everything looked GREAT - Thank the Lord! Brain looked healthy, spine was perfect, face looked normal (and adorable), and legs looked extra long. In the 3D picture, you can see his/her face looking left, with the cute little nose sticking out, then the arms are bent in front of the mouth and cheeks and hands are behind the head - like he/she is relaxing in the womb.

Baby Dos was measuring about a week ahead of schedule (which is normal for our babies) and weighed in at 1 lb 6 oz. Thankfully, baby was head down and in formation like Beyoncé, after being breech up until that point. We did NOT find out what we are having (to the dismay of basically all of our friends and family), but even if we had wanted to, it would have been very difficult with all of that rolling around!

I have maintained my weight this week, but the bump continues to grow! Baby Dos continues to be super active and loves to hang out with his/her head smushed on my cervix, bladder, or cuddling with the placenta. Y'all I pee all the time now. It's THAT point in the pregnancy.

I have traded in my lower back pain for some "growing pains" in my hips and pelvis as things start to shift to accommodate my little bowling ball. You can't do a whole lot for this kind of discomfort except for sitting and laying in positions that you find the most comfort - so that is what I am trying to do! My appetite has increased this week, and I am trying to keep up my healthy-ish (because everyone needs Mexican food now and then) diet and exercise a little more frequently to strengthen my pelvic floor and my leg muscles for support capability.

Stay tuned later this week for a new post about some of the difficulties with using a midwife vs. an OB/GYN, as well as my personal anecdote about working with my midwife! Also, we start our natural-birth child-birthing classes this week - I am so pumped! It is run by a fellow doula friend of mine, who is expecting her NINTH child! She is a superwoman. 

To my other preggo mommas, or just mommas who like to chat about pregnancy, how is your week going and how far along are you? Or just tell me something about your pregnancy, I promise I will love it! Let me know in the comments below!

Stay sweet,

My Journey to Midwife.

As soon as a woman finds out that she's pregnant, the need for planning and an obsessive amount of information begins - or maybe that's just me? One of the biggest things that I stressed out about was where I was going to have this baby, and who was going to catch him or her. With my first pregnancy, I was less educated about different methods and choices during pregnancy and childbirth (but still had a perfectly good experience with my OB/GYN at a very progressive hospital) so I didn't know what I actually wanted out of my birth experience. Now that I am a doula who knows so much more about maternal choices in pregnancy and labor/delivery; the search for a like-minded birth professional was a little trickier. 

We just moved to our city in August, and I hadn't really made alot of friends yet; so I didn't have anyone's experience to go off of. I googled providers and searched for those with recommendations or awards, and found an OBGYN that had a list of recommendations and gold stars next to her name. So, I made an appointment with her and thought that I would give it a shot - I had heard that the doctors here were what you might call "M.D-eities" who can be domineering towards their momma-patients, so I was a tad skeptical. I also found that there is ONE midwife in our area (and she is literally the only one until the next city several hours away) and decided to meet with her as well.

When I met with the OB/GYN, she was very polite at first, but as soon as I said something about being a doula and having specific desires for my birth plan - she got a little scary. It went from "your pelvis is great for babies" to "because you are technically obese and your baby was almost 9 pounds, I think you had undiagnosed gestational diabetes." Now, I am very aware that I am overweight; that's not a shocker to me in the slightest. But the gestational diabetes comment? No. After explaining that I didn't have gestational diabetes and I took the test twice to make sure, she told me that I needed to gain ZERO pounds during my pregnancy or I would NEED a cesarean section. I was ten weeks along. There is no way she would have known that I would need a cesarean section - especially having a healthy first pregnancy and healthy delivery! 

After that encounter, and finding out that the hospitals in our area had a cesarean rate of 42% (which is even higher than our ridiculously high national average), I went to my meeting with my midwife hopeful and desperate. When I got to the birth center, I was surprised at how relaxing and homey it felt inside. The midwife was so nice and listened to all of questions and concerns - and never once made me feel like a burden or annoyance. I addressed the concerns of the OBGYN about my weight and health, and she said that unless I had symptoms or a previous history of gestational diabetes, that there was no reason for concern; if anything changed we would address it. I felt heard and respected. I am so happy that I chose our midwife for this pregnancy, because she has offered me personal support and comfort, replied to all of my crazy texts about whether or not to be concerned, and overall made me feel more prepared for this baby than I ever would have if I had just bit my tongue and went to that OB/GYN. 

One of the biggest things that I have learned and stress as a doula, is that mothers need to feel respected and supported in their choices. Using fear to make mothers do what you want them to do is an irresponsible act and is one of the causes of the rising maternal mortality rate here in the United States.  For me, the best choice for my pregnancy care this time was my midwife. For you, it could be different! But I want to stress to you that YOU are the driver of your pregnancy, and YOUR choices and concerns should not be taken lightly. You matter and how you birth matters.

I will continue to write about my experiences during my pregnancy, and I hope that it might encourage some of y'all who might be struggling with the same issues to stand up for yourselves and make informed choices! 

Stay sweet,