I am a mom.
I am a mom who stays at home with her toddler most days.
I am a mom who has a career that is flexible, passion about that career, and has big plans for the future.
I am a mom who is tired of being asked/told...
"...when are you going back to work?"
"...that's nice that you stay at home, I wish we could afford that."
"...so what do you want to do besides have babies?"
"...that's nice for you, but I would go crazy being stuck at home all day!"
"...what do you do (sometimes with the added "all day?" at the end)?"
First of all, hop off. If we do not speak on a regular basis, why do you care anyway? If you are not paying my bills or expecting a payment of any sort from me, should you be asking/assuming about my family's finances? And if you have the cojones to passive-aggressively insinuate that I am somehow missing out or crazy because I stay at home with my toddler and you don't/can't/won't; I would take several seats.
Don't come for me unless I call for you, boo.
Yes, I am truly blessed to be able to stay at home with my daughter during the day and watch her grow; but it is because my husband and I work HARD at saving our money and have been blessed by the generosity and support of our family in the past and present. I do not lay around eating bonbons on the couch all day; I am putting in the woman-hours into keeping up our home and making sure every need of our collective lives are taken care of on time and fully, into educating our child who loves to learn and be challenged (and be challenging), into educating myself so that I may become a better doula and soon, midwife. I am not unfulfilled because I am not working a nine-to-five; I work a 24/7 with no holidays, sick days, or benefits (except a smoking-hot coworker). I do not harbor any contempt, judgment, or pity for mothers who work away from home; if that is something that you need or want to do, by all means girl, go get your paper! I do not plan on being at home all of the time for the rest of my life; but I am also not itching and praying for the day when my children are grown and no longer need me to chase them around the house with snot-rags and sippy cups.
The real shame of this is that I feel the need to post something like this, defending MY choices for MY family. I had a conversation with a friend this week who was telling me of an online interaction that she had where a woman that she had never met decided that she knew best about my friend's family and how they should conduct themselves; the fudge? She was describing to me this one-sided confrontation, and asking me why it was that fellow women especially would be so mean to one another; over things that neither apply to them nor affect them. I didn't get it either. If you are a mother who feels the need to comment and judge other mothers who are doing their best to live their best lives for themselves and their families; you can't sit with me.
Stay at home moms are not "just" moms. Working moms are not neglecting motherhood. Do not assume to know me by what you may see or infer, because it's what beneath the water that sunk the Titanic; and I highly doubt you're better constructed. Stop assuming that SAHMs need something else in their lives to be fulfilled, or that they don't have interests outside of diapers and Daniel Tiger. Stop telling mothers who go to work that they're "trying to have it all" in lieu of focusing on their kids.
All mothers work. All mothers love their children. All mothers parent differently. EVERY mother matters and should feel supported and respected.
So in conclusion, please try to keep ignorant comments and assumptions out of your mouth, if not your mind. Be kind to everyone, especially mothers, because you have no idea who they are and what they struggle with unless they grant you the privilege of letting you know. Never ever ask a SAHM "what do you do?" or a WM "don't you miss your kids?" - you will get cut.
If you have any thoughts on this subject, please let me know in the comments below! I would love to hear from you!
Stay sweet,
Love everything about this post. I really don't know why people feel the need to make so many comments, either way. I post a lot on my blog about my SAHM life and all I really hear is "You're so lucky! I wish I could make that work for our family." I even had a whole post titled "How I Manage Being a SAHM" and someone was VERY VERY disappointed it wasn't a detailed list of our finances and how I manage it that way. It was more of a post about how I stay organized and SANE as a SAHM. It really angered me because it's not really my problem that someone else's finances are different than mine and it's none of their business how our finances have worked to allow me to stay home. We have also saved a TON of money prior to having kids. People just have no idea.
ReplyDeleteI also work all day long. I don't sleep in, go to the mall and spend money (and if I do it's "my" personal money which is very limited). I go to the gym ASAP, make healthy meals, do laundry every bloody minute of the day, and do 90% of a our family chores right now because my husband works all the time. But you know - I'm so lucky ;) Ugh I just wish the comparison game would stop.
First, thanks for commenting Melissa! And I feel like we are definitely kindred spirits!! It's so frustrating to me that people just assume things about me and my family because I'm at home during most days!
DeleteI am not currently a stay at home mom but whenever I do have a child, I want to work from home and blog and do some freelance stuff so that I can still have some sort of an income while taking care of my child. I don't think it's a selfish thing to want to do. Most stay at home moms that I know are very hardworking and don't go and spend every cent of their husbands paycheck at the mall so I wish that people would quit judging.
ReplyDeletexoxo, Jenny
Thanks for your comment, Jenny! I agree, I think that as long as your kids are fed and clothed, and LOVED, then no one should pass judgement.
DeleteBeing a mom taking a lot and you don't get to just turn it off, and as a blogger (not a mom) blogging takes a lot and you have a hard time turning it off. So you are on call like 48/7 (instead of 24). You do what you do and let the people who don't understand your life roll off your back. It's so easy for people to comment from the outside looking in with no real knowledge.
ReplyDeleteSO true! I get the question "when are you going back to work" ALL the time! As if what I'm doing right now is not work! People just really don't get it.
ReplyDeleteSo very true! I feel we focus too much on the mothers who are trying to do such a good job, both inside and outside of the home, that we miss on helping the mothers and kids who don't care. I feel as a society our priorities are so out of whack and we care more about what a caring mother does and we have to judge her for those choices than a mother who neglects her kids.
ReplyDelete