I Don't Want My Body Back.

"Ladies wan't to get your pre-baby, sexy body back?" 
"Bikini season is around the corner, let us help you lose that baby weight!"
"Have you lost your baby weight yet?"
"My [neighbor, sister, cousin, random celebrity on a 'reality' show] said her tummy just fell off!"
"Have you tried [ItWorks, Plexus Slim, Waist Trainers, Whole 30, Advocare, Hydroxycut, etc.]?"

If you are like me, you have probably heard one or more of these sentences before - probably from either a random spammer on your social media account, or a well meaning friend/family member. Even though someone might be genuine in trying to "help" you. more often than not, it just makes you feel ugly or ruined. You grew a human being inside of your body for 9-10 months; stretching and tearing your skin, adding lumps and curves where there use to be none, changing the color or size of certain parts of you... but are expected to have the body that you had before that amazingly trans-formative process?

30 minutes postpartum. Whooweee.

I remember crying because the day after I had given birth to this beautiful and perfect baby girl, my stomach looked like a saggy pancake. I was prepared for a slightly less-pregnant looking belly, but not a droopy/deflated balloon for a torso. I wouldn't let Christopher see me change for a week or so, and much longer for him to see anything else (ladies, sometimes it's best to not look down there for a little while). I cried when Bonnie was done nursing, and my milk dried up; leaving me with what I affectionately called "National Geographic - Old Lady Boobs." I was absolutely sure that I could no longer turn on my husband with these saggy sacks strapped to my chest - my chest that was full of self loathing, vanity, and guilt. I was sure that this was the body that I would always have; lumpy and loose. I made the mistake of googling what a "FUPA" was one night, and cried hot, pregnant-lady tears for a good forty-five minutes, y'all.

I use to hate this picture because of lumps and bumps, but now I love it.

I had never been model-esque or in crazy good shape. I had never felt like the prettiest girl in the room. I just felt like the little that I had to work with before, was gone.

In the midst of my wallowing and self-loathing one night, my husband looked at me and said something that took my breath away
"You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me, why do you doubt that? Why do you not see it?"
I looked at him, heartbroken over these obsessive thoughts in my mind, and I said
"Look at these lines across my stomach. Look at the flab around my torso. Look at all of these things that are wrong with me!"
He just shook his head with a deeply pained expression, and told me that I was wrong. He reminded me of how powerful my body is. How sexy my body is. He reminded me that I carried our baby and nursed her for over a year with this body, just like I am carrying our baby now and will nurse that baby. He reminded me of the transitional nature of the state of life that I am in. He told me that no matter what changes we or our bodies go through, he will be by side.

I felt so beautiful on this day because I was so proud to be her mommy.

That moment with him sparked a change in my heart that I continued to pray on for the next few weeks. I poured out my insecurities to the Lord and searched through the scriptures for my strength and direction. In the love of my husband, and the love of the Lord, I began to love myself and my body more.
My body is not the same as it once was, it is forever changed. I will never get my "prebaby body" back, and that is more than okay. This body has carried two babies now, nursed one for thirteen months, carried the weight of the world sometimes. This body is loved and cherished by my God and my husband. This body is perfectly and wonderfully made. This is my body, and it is beautiful.

1 Peter 3:3-4
"Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing that you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of your heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

If you're struggling with your self esteem or identity, let me encourage you to see how incredibly loved and desired you are. Don't let this world get you down sweet ones, you are more beautiful and precious than you can ever know!

Stay sweet,